


spill it out on the ragged floor

by magicites



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Bittersweet, Illustrated, M/M, Weird empathy link bullshit, background terra/aqua, emetophobia warning, spoilers for re:mind and the beginning of limitcut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-03
Updated: 2020-02-10
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:49:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22538062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/magicites/pseuds/magicites
Summary: Pure lights don't fare well in the Realm of Darkness. Ven for more reasons than one. It's not just the Heartless that constantly attack him. It's not just crying fits he can't explain, or the searing anger that blinds him with rage.It's the insistent pull towards something - or someone - that he can't quite define.
Relationships: Vanitas/Ventus (Kingdom Hearts)
Comments: 25
Kudos: 230





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [heartanthems](https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartanthems/gifts).



> SO TWITTER USER HEARTANTHEMS CREATED SOME LOVELY VANVEN ART and i wanted to write a fic based off it! she was gracious enough to let me include it in this fic, so thank you so much for that!!! a gift from one feral vanven to another.
> 
> you can see the art that inspired this IN ITS ORIGINAL HABITAT (and retweet it, if you're on twitter!) [here](https://twitter.com/heartanthems/status/1123542002195296256) and also [here](https://twitter.com/heartanthems/status/1222076157308194816)
> 
> if you read my other post re:mind vv fic: this is completely different than that! haha. good times. 
> 
> i really wanted to experiment with the formatting of this fic to better pay homage to the art, and i think the result is pretty fun! i had to dust off the 3 things i know about css to do this. sorry to anyone who likes reading ao3 in night mode

It’s pathetic how Vanitas’s life flows in cycles. Ten years separate him from the last showdown he had in this dirt wasteland. Ten years, and still the negativity swirls. 

Vanitas can feel what Ventus feels. Back then, moments before Vanitas tasted victory for a few bittersweet seconds, Ven was pulled forward by the insistent tug of resignation, clawing through his brain and wrapping withered tendrils around the wisps of his heart. Ventus didn’t want to go, no. But he accepted fate for what it was.

Then Ventus plunged them both into sleep, one hidden deep within another. A prisoner hidden within the prize he craved. 

Wherever Ventus has slithered off to, he has Aqua by his side. Vanitas can feel the pulse of her running over Ventus’s nerves. Like the sluggish streams of Neverland Ventus would hop into when no one was with him, cool and safe and strong. 

Admiration and strength, like being sheltered in a storm, are quick to follow. Vanitas scoffs at nothing. That’s the feeling Ventus reserves for Terra. He and Aqua must be talking about the pathetic lump.

Terra can’t be there with them, not when his Xehanort-infested shell sits on a rock in front of Vanitas. Larxene sits next to him, bouncing between sharpening her knives and filing her nails with the same damn file. 

Seeing himself with Larxene and Terra-Xehanort is a joke. They’re most pathetic imitation of Ventus and his precious friends to ever exist.

Vanitas could have gone over to where the forgotten replica girl and the obnoxious Riku Replica sit, but that would have been a different kind of pathetic that he can’t bring himself to indulge in. He doesn’t feel Sora’s emotions; he only wears their facsimiles. 

Ventus pulses with love, something so strong that it makes Vanitas shudder. Unversed peel off his back and skitter away like the frightened mouse he refuses to be. Terra-Xehanort does not seem to notice the change, but there is little he ever notices that doesn’t involve torturing Aqua or Ventus. 

Vanitas supposes they have that in common.

The only reaction Larxene offers is a raised eyebrow. “Can you control your rats better? They’re obnoxious.”

“They’re not rats. They’re manifestations of my negativity.” If anything, they’re demons.

Larxene remains unimpressed. “Fine. Control your _sad rats.”_

Vanitas hates her. He hates Terra-Xehanort too, even more than he hates plain Terra.

Again, Ventus pulses with love. It echoes in the spaces of Vanitas’s mind, filtering down in his nerves. It crawls down the back of his neck like a warm breath and curls around his spine like a dear friend. 

The realization does not hit Vanitas with a bang, but with an almost indiscernible whimper.

If the lights win (when the lights win), not a single person in all the worlds will grieve Vanitas’s death. This Graveyard holds no love. 

Ventus keeps it all coiled around him, lines and ropes he’s eager to keep to himself. Vanitas feels a rush of emotion trail up his throat like bile. He springs to his feet and stumbles away. It’s a small miracle that he can collapse behind a large boulder and let pools of stringy darkness seep out his mouth. Larxene would insult him if she saw this. 

He hates Ventus.

he wants ventus so much it hurts

He wants nothing more than to be free.

to be happy

The darkness seeps out his edges like poison. He wishes he could throw this feeling back in Ventus’s face the same way Ventus throws his love in Vanitas’s. 

But destiny has never been kind to a creature of darkness.

* * *

“You can’t trust what you see in the Realm of Darkness. It takes your vulnerabilities, your anxieties, anything you’ve ever cared about, and turn it against you. Always remember - if we all don’t see it, then it isn’t real.” 

Aqua must repeat that speech five separate times in the weeks it takes them to prepare for their journey. They’ll come back of course - there is no way Terra would _ever_ let Aqua spend longer than three weeks in the Realm of Darkness ever again, no exceptions - but Aqua’s worry gets the best of her. 

There’s a different part of the speech Ven hears no less than a dozen times.

“No matter what happens, we never, _ever_ leave each other alone.”

The Realm of Darkness is an awful place. The Heartless are stronger here, drawing power from the shadows that infest every corner of the realm. 

The monsters come after all of them, but they don’t prefer them all equally. When Terra’s calm, they tend to leave him alone. It’s only when he’s protecting Aqua or Ven that he attracts their attention. If Aqua wasn’t so determined to attack them first, they’d probably leave her alone, too.

Sometimes Ven wonders if she baits them on purpose.

They flit to Ven’s pure light like flies to honey, leaving Aqua and Terra to divvy up unofficially watching his back at all times between each other. Feeling so helpless is frustrating, but Ven tries not to let it get to him. 

For as determined as Aqua is to find Sora - and for once, her and Ven are in alignment _against_ Terra - even she knows they have to rest. 

“I know what it’s like to wander, lost and alone. I don’t want Sora to feel that way for a second longer,” she explains. Ven nods at her side, aiming his best puppy dog eyes at Terra.

Terra faces them both with a heavy sigh before turning around and taking out the small pack of Neoshadows trying to sneak up on them. Aqua and Ven aim a few spells at the stragglers Terra can’t immediately reach, ice and fire working in tandem to keep them all safe. 

With the threat momentarily dispatched, Terra finishes whatever he wanted to say. “I know. But I want to keep you two safe, too. This place isn’t good for any of us.” Ven’s ready to protest, but Terra goes for the finishing blow: he places his hand on Aqua’s arm and gives her a sweet smile that Ven’s only ever seen him direct at her. 

The same smile that Ven has to look away from, that always makes him feel like he stumbled onto a secret he wasn’t supposed to. 

That’s how they end their second trip to the Realm of Darkness. It also happened to be the same way they ended their first. The plan is also the same: spend two weeks in the Realm of Light, catching up with their friends, caring for the castle, and checking with the others to see if anyone else has found a lead on Sora. 

Terra accompanies Aqua as she checks in with Riku and Mickey, always careful to soothe the tension from her shoulders that clings to her whenever she has to relearn how to live in the light. Ven takes Chirithy and carries it around the worlds he visits like a stuffed animal. Chirithy is a good companion, if hard to be around. It loves him, and he thinks he’ll love it in time, but sometimes it’ll say something that reminds them both how he isn’t the person Chirithy truly missed. That Ventus is gone, and Ven isn’t ready to give himself up to let him come back.

Ven checks in with his people: Roxas, Xion, Kairi, Naminé - all the people who understand what it was like to connect to Sora’s heart, even if only for a few moments.

Roxas and Xion have yet to find any leads. Neither has Naminé, who has spent countless days sifting through their memories, searching for any clue towards Sora’s location. She wants to get to Ven next, but she says he’s a really difficult case. Someone she has to work up to. 

He gets that.

Kairi gives him a serene smile and pets Chirithy when they come to visit, but her eyes stay carefully blank when she looks at him. She’s hiding something, but he can’t tell what. He doesn’t know how to ask her without her deflecting.

Two weeks pass, but they aren’t any closer to finding Sora than they were at the start.

Then it’s back to the Realm of Darkness. The routine is the same as before. They gather in the central chamber of the Land of Departure’s castle. Aqua raises her keyblade and opens a portal. Ven counts down from three under his breath, giving him the sense of rhythm he needs to be able to engage his armor at the same time as the others. After that it’s through the portal and back into a world where the only source of light comes from the hellish glow of Heartless eyes as they track their forms.

Except that isn’t what happens.

Ven steps through the portal - the second one through, flanked by Terra leading the charge and Aqua hanging behind to close the portal behind her - and feels something… different. He can’t quite place it. 

It’s stronger than he’s used to. He never thought he felt less than other people. No, his problem was always being unable to control his feelings when they whip through him. 

Then this rush of emotion punches him in the chest, nearly bringing him to his knees. It’d crack his heart in two if it hadn’t been broken before. Ven stumbles forward, unmoored by something so strong that it feels like death. He puts his hands on his knees and tries to breathe, but his emotions ooze up into his throat and clog it up. This feeling is so potent he could choke on it. He might. 

Ven rarely cries, but tears stream down his face and sobs seem to be the only thing he can get out. This sadness paralyzes him; he’s only barely able to register the sound of Aqua’s barrier shimmering to life before her and Terra drop to either side of him.

Terra’s hand should be a warm, comforting weight on his shoulder. It isn’t. He can’t figure out why. “Ven! Ven, what’s wrong?” he asks.

All Ven can do is shake his head and gag on how powerful this feeling is. An icy tendril wraps around his heart and squeezes, leaking sadness into his body and spreading it through every part of him.

Abandoned

Forsaken

Al o n e

He rakes his nails into the cold earth below, trying to understand this feeling as it uncurls from him, one frozen finger at a time. Ven sucks in a ragged breath and blinks his tears away, feeling like he just fought a battle with himself and lost. He focuses instead on the hands rubbing reassuring circles into his shoulders. He looks to Terra first, then to Aqua, who pulls him closer to herself.

“Are you okay?” she asks. What lurks under her words is much darker: a threat to destroy whatever made him feel that way. Her rage brims just under the surface. 

The Ven of a decade ago would have never noticed. The Ven of today does.

Half of the dreams he had during his long sleep were nightmares, and sometimes they felt just as real as this does. 

“I don’t know what that was,” Ven admits. “I’ve… I’ve never felt that way before.” Not even at his lowest, when he faced Vanitas and thought a death by their hands would be better than letting Vanitas turn him into a weapon, did he feel that sad. Back then, all he felt was a spark of anger, dimmed down by resignation. 

He thinks of Vanitas.

_Vanitas_

Ven’s heart stutters in his chest. He gets to his feet, ignoring the insistent tug that wraps around his heart and pulls. He stumbles forward, but he stops himself before the pull takes him any further away. He sniffles a little as he takes off his helmet and wipes at his eyes. He makes a point not to meet Terra or Aqua’s eyes.

“I’ll be fine, guys. Promise.”

“We can go back,” Terra says. 

“No. Let’s keep going.”

They do.

* * *

The second time it pulls at him, what follows is a surge of anger so raw that Ven nearly rips his own hair out. He tears off pieces of his armor like it’s trying to strangle him. Even the pieces he’s incorporated into his regular outfit are flung to the ground with abandon, each scrape of metal against his skin stabbing into his raw nerves. He screams at Aqua _and_ Terra when they try to help him.

Destroy them

Des t r o y i t a l l

_Until nothing remains_

He screams, trying to drown out the thoughts that light his head on fire. He has no darkness in his heart to lean into, but the Heartless notice his distress and swarm towards him. He flings his keyblade out at them over and over again, but it does nothing to quell his rage.

Terra and Aqua are too busy trying to beat the swarm back, Shadows and Neoshadows and Darksides all working in tandem, to be able to console him. 

When the anger passes, Ven swallows around a raw and bloodied throat. “Guys, I-”

“-Apologize later,” Terra says, facing two Darksides at once. His keyblade is barely big enough to fend off both of their strikes. “Help now!” Panic seizes Ven as he whips around, searching for Aqua. He finds her behind the Darksides, weaving between three of their lumbering strikes as she uses Spellweaver to strike back. 

Ven darts between them both, flowing like the erratic winds that whip through canyon gorges. He leans into his light; for all it makes him a bigger target, it also makes him a bigger threat. With his help, the Heartless fall easily.

There is no day or night in the Realm of Darkness - nothing more than a dimness that Ven’s eyes grow adjusted to after spending long enough here. Still, when they find time to rest, Terra and Aqua also find time to badger him with questions. 

They’re legitimate concerns, but they’re also nothing that Ven can answer. He doesn’t know where that anger came from. He doesn’t know why he felt that way. It’s gone now, but the strange pull from before remains. 

It feels like his feet want to go in a specific direction, and they’ll do whatever it takes to get Ven to whatever that place is. He doesn’t know where that is. He doesn’t know _why_ his body calls for his heart to go. All he knows is that it does. 

* * *

The third time it happens, it’s right as they’re about to return to the Realm of Light. They reached the same shore Aqua did after wandering for years alone, and just as it once offered her solace, it offers them a well-needed break. They’re worn down, their food stores low and the lack of sleep leaving them all irritable and on edge.

Aqua’s always incredibly careful when she opens portals out of the Realm of Darkness. She’s wary of letting Heartless out, so she likes clearing an area of Heartless before trying. Since there aren’t any here, she’s let her guard down a little. 

Right as she opens it, a raw pain tears through Ven. Invisible claws rake against his chest, feeling so real that he’s certain streaks of blood must be bubbling past torn skin and soaking into his undershirt. He disengages his armor to check for injuries, even as the pain leaves him groaning pathetically. 

The pain doesn’t fade, but it’s pushed to the back of his mind as fear turns his blood to ice. His heart hammers in his chest as he starts to hyperventilate. 

_Run,_ every part of him screams. _Escape from this ni g h t m a r e -_

Ven comes to what can’t be any less than an hour later, hidden underneath a rock. He squints as his eyes try to adjust back to the dim lighting the Realm of Darkness provides - which feels blinding compared to the abject darkness he just cowered in. 

Terra’s face comes into view a moment later. That’s followed by a pair of strong arms that lift him up and out of the hole. Ven looks back at it and recognizes the messy grooves carved into the sand. Each is just big enough to be made by one of Wayward Wind’s teeth. Ven dug that hole himself, hadn’t he?

He can’t remember. The fear pushed everything else out.

Terra keeps a hand on Ven at all times. Aqua rushes into view with a relieved, “You found him!” That’s followed by a crushing hug, making Ven whimper as Aqua squeezes all the air out of his lungs. “Ven, don’t run off like that. We can’t leave each other alone here. It’s too dangerous.”

“I didn’t mean to,” Ven says. “I don’t know what happened. I was just so scared….”

“What scared you?” Terra asks.

Ven squirms out of Aqua’s hug to face Terra with a pleading look. “I don’t know!”

Terra frowns, seeming to mull over Ven’s answer in his mind. “We’re going home. For a while,” he says.

It isn’t a question. 

They leave.

When the portal snaps shut behind them and the Land of Departure bathes them in warm golden light, the pull that Ven had felt so strongly before leaves. Like someone snapped a string in two.

The strangest thing is that a small part of him cries, like something precious had been stolen from him. 

He kind of misses it.

* * *

The pull is stronger than ever the next time they return, nearly an entire month later. Ven steps out of the portal and immediately crashes into the closest thorny spire, his traitorous legs demanding him to submit to whatever it is that calls to every atom in his body.

He peers off into the distance, trying to figure out what could possibly be out there that calls him so strongly. He sees nothing but darkness, offset by hollow yellow eyes that stare back at him. Unfeeling, unflinching.

Then he sees it.

A hint of bright red, creeping along a patch of inky black.

_Vanitas_

Ven breaks into a sprint. Aqua and Terra’s voices lag behind him, but even their confusion and worry isn’t enough to stop him. Vanitas is here. He’s here, and- and he’s up to something, and dammit, Ven is going to stop him.

Ven blinks and Vanitas disappears. He whips his head around, desperately searching for any hint of where he could have gone. He finds him on the other side of a broken path, walking away from Ven.

Ven leaps across the divide and chases after him. “Vanitas!” he calls out, though he doesn’t know what he expects to get from that. Vanitas wouldn’t turn around. He’d walk faster just to piss Ven off. 

Well, it’s working. Ven grits his teeth and runs faster. 

Vanitas disappears again.

Ven skids to a stop and looks around. This time, he finds Vanitas walking leisurely along the top of a high cliff. Ven scales it easily and chases after him once more. Heartless rise from puddles of inky black and chase after him, but he pays them no mind. If he stops to fight, then he’ll lose Vanitas. He can’t let that happen. 

This time, he’s almost close enough to grab at Vanitas when he disappears. Something awful in him pulses, like sludge coating his insides, but he pushes through it.

They continue like that for a while. Ven will almost reach Vanitas only for him to disappear. Ven will look around, and chase after him once more. 

Eventually Ven blinks, and Vanitas disappears for good. That same pull from before spasms in his chest. His hand flies to his heart and taps against his armor, like this pain could be one massaged away. If only it could.

That’s when it clicks.

The pull he keeps feeling… it’s pulling him towards Vanitas. For all Vanitas said they weren’t the same, then what is this supposed to be? Ven had never felt connected to Vanitas before, but here, there’s no other explanation.

Did Vanitas used to feel this way, too?

Does he still?

Terra and Aqua finally catch up to him not long after. He can almost sense their fury, weighing their every step down. They wear their anger differently: Terra’s rolls off him in terrible waves, while Aqua’s lashes at her from just under the surface. He knows its both born from worry. That knowledge doesn’t make it any easier to face.

“Ven, what were you thinking!?” Aqua snaps. Despite her harsh words, she still falls to his side. “We’ve been chasing after you for hours! You know you can’t run off alone here.”

The pulling sensation remains, leaving Ven with a hollow ache. “Don’t baby me, Aqua!” Ven snaps back.

“Ven, we were worried!” Terra adds. Ven isn’t sure if it’s meant to soften Aqua’s anger or add to it. 

“But didn’t you guys see him?”

A chill settles over the air. Aqua and Terra glance at each other, their anger giving way to hesitation. “Ven… who did you see?” she asks softly. 

“Vanitas.”

“Where?” Terra demands.

“Everywhere! I saw him, so I chased after him. And I kept running after him anywhere he went. That’s all I did.”

Aqua sighs. Ven hates the sound. “Ven…” she begins, in that voice that makes Ven’s skin crawl. She means well, he _knows that,_ just like he knows how many times she chased after his own phantom when she wandered the Realm of Darkness alone. He knows what’s coming next. “It wasn’t real. It was just the darkness playing tricks on you. Trying to feed into your weakness. Terra and I never saw Vanitas, and if we didn’t, then…”

“...Then what I saw wasn’t real,” Ven finishes for her. He wants to believe her, but then he thinks of the pull. He feels it still, even as directionless as it’s become. 

“Exactly. We stick together, okay?” Aqua says.

“...Okay.”

* * *

Except it keeps happening. The strange surges of unexplainable emotion. The pull that forces Ven to break into a sprint even when he knows he shouldn’t. He gets better at resisting it, but there are times when the pull is so strong that it feels like by not going his disobeying his own body. 

It only happens in the Realm of Darkness. Each time they return to the Realm of Light, the pull leaves Ven alone. No imposter emotions take root in the back of his mind and overwhelm him. His body goes exactly where he wants it to be. 

He doesn’t keep running away from Terra and Aqua the way he does in the Realm of Darkness.

He feels empty.

* * *

Ven’s had enough time to consider what the pull he feels might be. He thinks it’s the connection between his heart and Vanitas’s. The remnants of who they used to be together trying desperately to return to itself. He isn’t that Ventus, and neither is Vanitas, but the body is slow to forget. 

There’s a night - or whatever is closest to it in a place with no day, considering it’s the time Ven spends asleep - where the connection pulses so strongly that it wakes Ven up. 

_Longing_

 _Loneliness_

_The place where_ _l o v e_ _should dwell_

His eyes fly open and his heart pounds like he’s never known what it feels to be tired. Aqua sleeps on her mat next to him as Terra sits a little ways away, guarding them from any Heartless that might try to sneak up on him. 

He has to go. 

Ven’s silence spells are much clunkier than Aqua’s, and they’re never quite able to disguise his breathing the way they should, but it should be enough to keep her from waking up. He slowly gets to his feet, careful not to engage his armor. He can’t risk that sound waking her up either. He waits for Terra to be distracted by a lumbering Darkside intent on making them a quick meal before slipping away.

He doesn’t expect Terra to defeat it so quickly. 

“Ven,” Terra says. Guilt spikes within Ven at the sound of Terra’s voice, but it isn’t enough to dampen the connection that’s pulling him away. 

Ven glances back at Terra, who stands resolute a few feet away. Ven approaches him, making sure to keep his voice down to a whisper. “I have to find him, Terra. He’s here somewhere.”

“Are you sure?”

Ven nods. His hand rests over his heart. “I can feel him.”

“Ven, I…” Terra sighs. “I don’t like this.”

“Me neither. But I gotta do it. Alone. Vanitas, he…” He what? Needs Ven? He used to.

Ven isn’t sure if he still does.

“I need to find him,” Ven says. At least that much remains true. “But I’ll come back. I promise.”

Terra clearly isn’t happy, but at least he isn’t putting up a fight. “You need to be back before Aqua wakes up.” It’s as much of a blessing as Terra will give. Ven offers him a quick grin and an even quicker hug before darting away. At least the silence spell does its job this time, allowing him to run without worrying about the heavy sound of his feet pounding against the ground waking Aqua up.

It’s easy to find Vanitas. All Ven does is follow their connection.

It brings him to a dark shoreline - the place free of Heartless, where Aqua was found and saved. A figure sits on a rock, his helmet tucked under his arm as he looks out at the seas in front of him. 

_Vanitas_

Even the sight of him feels like a relief, like cool water pouring over their bond and reducing the heat to something bearable. He whispers Vanitas’s name under his breath, and that feels just as much a balm as the sight of him does. 

Ven doesn’t ask if he’s real. He knows; the connection sings as much. He doesn’t hesitate to come closer. “I finally found you,” Ven says. There’s a warmth in his words that he doesn’t expect. Like he’s greeting an old friend, not a splinter that tried to kill and consume him.

Vanitas doesn’t look at him. A wry amusement, something much more sardonic and tinged with needle-sharp derision, pokes at the back of Ven’s mind. This emotion doesn’t belong to Ven.

He sees it reflected in the half-smirk that flits over Vanitas’s mouth. 

“Good job. Want a medal?”

“You don’t have one,” Ven says. That sardonic amusement from before pulses in the back of his mind. Vanitas’s grin wouldn’t be infectious if not for it. “Hey, why can I feel what you feel? I’ve never felt this before.”

Finally, Vanitas looks at him. His eyes are the brightest thing in this whole realm. Brighter than even the Heartless’s eyes and leagues less hollow. If anything, they’re full of life, as complicated and splintered as that life might be. 

Vanitas starts to clap slowly. “Good job, Ventus. You’re finally catching up. Can’t believe it only took you a decade.”

“Don’t be a jerk!”

“I wouldn’t be a jerk if you weren’t being an idiot. Think about it, Ventus. In the Realm of Light, you and your light have all the power. I was the splinter, left to feel echoes of whatever you did. But this is the _Realm_ of Darkness. And what am I?”

Ven thinks back to their last exchange. “You’re darkness.” But can’t he be more than that?

“I’m darkness. Here, you finally get to feel what I’ve felt all along. You must feel some kind of connection, right? Like your heart is calling out to mine?” He says it like it’s a joke at Ven’s expense. “It’s awful, isn’t it?”

But it’s easier, now that they’re so close. Ven wonders what would happen if he touched Vanitas. Would the painful tug lessen? Would it be soothed over?

Would he stop feeling like a part of him is missing? 

“It is. I… I never realized you felt this way, Vanitas.”

“Of course you didn’t. You only ever cared about your precious friends. I was the enemy.” Vanitas pauses. “I still _am_ the enemy.”

“But Xehanort’s gone. You don’t need to listen to him.”

Vanitas laughs. It’s an ugly sound. “Why do you think I’m here?”

Ven doesn’t know. “Why are you here? If you feel this too, why don’t you come home with me? We can, I don’t know, figure something out. Something that makes us both happy.” There’s no way Vanitas can be here. Ven’s felt his sadness, his rage, his fear - and all of those things struck him here. Why stay here if Vanitas feels that way? 

Again Vanitas laughs, even uglier and rawer than before. There’s pain laced within; Ven can feel it. “You really don’t get it, do you?” Vanitas stands. He begins to pace in front of Ven. The connection tells Ven to trail after him, but he’s grown used to it enough that he can stay sitting. It hurts to, but he pushes through.

“Alright, I’ll play along. Let’s say I go with you and your friends to the Realm of Light. Let’s _also_ say that the other guardians don’t destroy me on sight. Happy ending, right?” Ven begins to nod, but Vanitas darts forward and wags a finger in front of his face. “Ah-ah, Ventus. Because then I’m tethered to you, and I’ll spend the rest of my days trailing after you like a stray dog begging for scraps. I’ll always want you. I’ll always want to consume you.”

“Then why aren’t you now?” Ven asks.

“Because we’re on _my turf,_ Ventus. You get to feel all my negativity. My sadness. My fear. My anger. It doesn’t matter where I go. That’ll never leave me. Here, you have to bear the brunt of my negativity, too. Here, _you_ want _me.”_

When Vanitas puts it that way, it sounds terrible. Ven tries to protest, but the words die in his throat. Vanitas presses on. “Here, all I get is quiet. I don’t feel your presence. I don’t have to feel your joy to remind me what I don’t have. The Heartless leave me alone. I don’t have enough light for them to want to devour me. If anything, they probably see me as one of them.” Ven thinks he’s heard enough, but Vanitas presses on. He’s always been stubborn. “If you want us to be together, would you really sacrifice your home for it? Your friends? You should see how the Heartless react the moment you show up. You’re like a homing beacon for them.”

Ven can barely breathe. His heart hammers in his throat; his blood rushes in his ears. “Then what do we do?”

“It isn’t obvious? You go back to your realm, and I stay in mine. There isn’t a _home_ for both of us, Ventus.”

“And what will you even do here, huh!?” Ven doesn’t understand. How could Vanitas be happy here? Even if it’s quiet, it’s awful. He must be so lonely. Ven has felt his pain. How could that be any better than the Realm of Light? “What about all that stuff about being close to me? My shadow? Did none of that matter?”

Again, Vanitas laughs. “You really are an idiot, Ventus.”

“And you really don’t make any sense!” 

“For all it may hurt here, it still hurts less than the Realm of Light.” Vanitas turns to face Ven. His eyes are so bright. “You’re looking for Sora, right? You’re wasting your time. He isn’t here. I’d know if he was.” 

With that, Vanitas leaves. 

Ven’s heart calls after him with every step. 

So is t h i s g o o d b y e 

* * *

  


Or it would be goodbye if Ven wasn’t so stubborn.

At least Vanitas helps end their search. Aqua is grateful to stop going to the Realm of Darkness, almost grateful enough to not be completely _furious_ at Ven. She can’t bring herself to talk to him for a week. Not even Terra can hold a conversation with Ven for long before awkwardly excusing himself.

Ven feels guilty for letting them down, but it was worth the struggle. He’s quick to apologize, but they’re not quick to forgive.

Eventually things get better. Aqua makes amends with a cake she makes specifically for Ven - packed full of strawberries, his favorite food - long before she ever has a real conversation with Ven about how terrified she was to discover he had left. Terra never had a problem with Ven, but Terra adores Aqua, and he feels bad talking to Ven when she won’t. 

Ven knows everything’s finally settled the day Terra offers to teach Ven a new keyblade technique.

They still continue their search for Sora. Rather than look in the Realm of Darkness, they direct their attention to new worlds their extended group of friends have yet to visit. There’s nothing for Terra and Aqua in the Realm of Darkness. They’ll probably - or hopefully - never return.

Ven wishes he could say the same.

Vanitas was right. In the Realm of Light, Ven can’t feel him. He doesn’t feel anything but himself.

He comes to realize something, in the weeks that follow.

Without Vanitas, even the vastness Realm of Light feels empty.

So Ven returns to the Realm of Darkness. He has to beg Mickey multiple times to open a portal, but eventually Mickey relents. Ven can’t appeal to his logic, but if there’s one thing he can appeal to, it’s Mickey’s heart. And for all no one else understands the connection he has to Vanitas, Mickey can understand that it means something.

Even then, it comes with conditions: two hours, and not a minute more. 

The moment the portal snaps shut behind Ven, plunging him back into that perpetual dusk, he sets off. He knows exactly where Vanitas is. What he’s feeling.

And right now, Vanitas feels peace. It’s nice. Ven feels a little guilty for coming to interrupt it, but the connection’s song is so sweet. He won’t deny it any longer. 

The Heartless come for Ven almost immediately. He dispatches the Shadows with ease, and the Darksides are so slow that they’re easy to outrun. It’s the Neoshadows that are a pain. He doesn’t have the patience to fight them all - and even if he did, they’d just keep coming - so he tries to freeze or blow away as many as possible with magic. Especially stubborn ones he takes out, but given his ridiculously high threshold for stubborn, those are few and far between.

At some point, he disengages his armor and wears only the parts he’s incorporated into his outfit. The rest would only slow him down.

By the time he finds Vanitas, sleeping at the top of a dark spire like he’s a cat in a tree, there’s a small army of Heartless trailing Ven. Vanitas sleeps soundly, undisturbed by the darkness and monsters all around him. Why would he, when he’s basically one of them?

For a moment, Ven closes his eyes. He lets the connection wrap around his heart, urging him to climb the spire to be at Vanitas’s side. 

He smacks his keyblade against the base of the spire as hard as he can instead. The impact rattles up the structure and jostles Vanitas so badly that he comes crashing to the ground. He lands with a grunt in a disgraceful heap that for a moment makes Ven’s blood freeze over in fear.

Until the connection flows not pain or rage into him, but simple annoyance. Ven pushes it away as he starts to laugh, which only makes the annoyance that much stronger and the whole situation that much funnier. 

“What are you doing here?” Vanitas grunts as he gets back to his feet. He’s foregone his mask yet again, leaving Ven face to face with bright golden eyes. The connection between them squeezes Ven’s heart in a vice grip, demanding him to get closer. Which is ridiculous, since they’re standing a foot away from each other.

Ven inches towards him. “I wanted to see you.”

Vanitas is surprisingly expressive without the mask. His eyes grow wide and his mouth opens slightly as he looks at Ven. Confusion seeps through the connection, and it only grows stronger as Vanitas glances at the trail of Heartless following Ven. “But you can’t sense me in the Realm of Light.”

“I still wanted to see you.”

Vanitas jumps back and Ven’s heart lurches. Wariness blankets his confusion. He takes another step forward, undaunted as Vanitas summons his own keyblade. It still looks as clunky and annoying as Ven remembers. “You’re too stupid to pull tricks, Ventus. Quit it.”

“It isn’t a trick!” Ven says. He had never wanted to understand Vanitas, but he feels like he finally understands the Vanitas that was so desperate to fight Ven that he’d throw his own life away for the sake of becoming someone else’s weapon. Ven doesn’t fully understand the Vanitas that faces him now - the one that slept in his heart as Ven slept in Castle Oblivion. 

He doesn’t, but he wants to. 

Vanitas studies his face, searching for any hint of this trick he’s so convinced Ven wants to pull on him. Ven takes the opportunity to study Vanitas’s face in return. Ven’s spent a lot of time looking at pictures of Sora in the past several months, just like every single one of his friends has. Vanitas doesn’t look like the Sora Ven last saw. He looks like one that Ven never really met.

Vanitas’s eyes are a little sharper, his hair a little unrulier, his cheeks a little bit softer. Both in shape, the way a little bit of baby fat still clings to his cheeks, and in the unnatural smoothness of his skin. 

Ven doesn’t think when he steps closer and reaches out to Vanitas. He doesn’t think as he slides his fingers along his cheek. 

Ven’s heart races in his chest. The connection crows a song of triumph, flooding warmth through his veins. Can Vanitas feel this, or is Ven the only one left staring in wide-eyed wonder? 

“Why are you so weird?” Vanitas asks, but he doesn’t pull away. He doesn’t even try to move. Nor does he do anything to stop Ven as his other hand slides up to his face. The connection urges him even closer. The melody it plays longs to be together. Ven knows how he wants to obey it.

He wonders if Vanitas had ever felt this way, too. If he never thought of it just because he had never known how to relate to anyone else outside of pain and hardship.

Ven leans so close that their noses almost touch. He can feel Vanitas’s breath puff against his lips. 

“Do you know what kissing is?” Ven whispers.

Vanitas scoffs. “Of course I do, idiot. Do you?”

Ven kisses him. 

Something slots into place. Ven closes his eyes, but there’s a glow that plays against Ven’s closed eyelids. He recognizes it from before; the invitation to join their hearts together, for one to cast away their body and become whoever it was that they used to be. 

Vanitas kisses him back. He’s inexperienced, clearly unsure of how to move his mouth, but his lips are surprisingly soft. His touch is surprisingly sweet. 

If they were to join together, then Ven wouldn’t be allowed to have this.

He pulls back and opens his eyes. Watches as the glow fades between them. Confusion pulses over the bond; irritation follows on its heels. Vanitas opens his own eyes and frowns at Ven. “Why did you stop?”

Ven chuckles. “I kinda expected you to punch me.”

“Why would I? That felt nice. Stop wasting time.” For all Vanitas’s complaining, he sure isn’t taking the lead. Ven rolls his eyes and kisses him again, enjoying the way Vanitas seems to relish the sensation. One of his gloved hands comes to rest on Ven’s shoulder. Ven isn’t sure what Vanitas is doing with the other one until he hears the magical _click_ of a barrier shimmering into existence. 

It’s followed by a dull _thunk_ as a Shadow launches itself against the barrier. Ven breaks the kiss to laugh. He expects Vanitas to be frustrated, but all he can feel from him is wry amusement. 

“Unless you want to be buried under Shadows, I’d recommend getting out of here,” Vanitas says. 

“Come back with me,” Ven says. “Come home.”

“Come to _your_ home, you mean.”

“We’ll make it yours, too.”

Vanitas pulls back. The barrier drops, but he slices through the surrounding Heartless with ease. More are on their way - they always are - but Ven summons his own keyblade and they make quick work of the ones close by. 

They work well together. They’re much better partners than they are enemies. Ven only sees this as proof that Vanitas should come with him. They’ll make it work somehow. They can be together. Vanitas won’t have to feel so alone. Ven will shoulder his pain. 

When they have a few more moments to breathe, Vanitas finally gives his answer. “I won’t stay with you.”

Ven latches onto Vanitas’s hand, gripping it in both of his. He squeezes so tightly that it must be uncomfortable, but Vanitas just levels him with an unimpressed look. “What!? Come on! You- you felt that too! We can make it better, I promise!” 

If Vanitas didn’t feel it, then the stubborn jerk would never give in. He looks away, chewing on the bottom lip that Ven had been kissing just moments before. He wants to go back to that moment. “I won’t stay. But I’ll visit sometimes.” His eyes harden. “You have to visit me here, too.”

A compromise, then. Ven can do that. 

“Deal,” Ven says, and kisses Vanitas again. The connection glows, the only kind of whole Ven wants.

* * *

It isn’t perfect. It’s painful and messy as often as it is beautiful and strange.

They make it work.

_Together._


	2. (but you can try)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> view the art used in this chapter [here!](https://twitter.com/heartanthems/status/1226277604090474497) THANK U HEARTANTHEMS THIS ONE GOES OUT TO YOU
> 
> THE RELAY CONTINUES...

_Where did you go?_

_Out there, somewhere…_

_Alone?_

 __

Ventus is doing that _thing_ again. The really annoying one. The thing where he misses Vanitas, his worry burrowing into Vanitas’s skin and settling deep in his chest it’s a tangled web that makes him want to choke.

They had another fight. It was over something stupid, like most of their fights. And sure, Vanitas is mad, but he isn’t mad enough to go through the hassle of hunting down a Keyblade Master to help him get back into the Realm of Darkness. Riku’s off pining somewhere, the mouse is buried under the years of paperwork back at his castle that he’s neglected, and Aqua is the worst. 

Besides, if Vanitas leaves, once Ventus finds out, he’ll chase after Vanitas in the Realm of Darkness. Vanitas won’t be able to sense him the way he can here. For as awful as it is to feel Ventus’s emotions when Vanitas really wants nothing more than to shove him in a ditch and never see him again-

-that isn’t true and Vanitas knows it, not with this emotion that’s too powerful blooming just under his ribs-

-At least in the Realm of Light, it’s easier to hide. Which is how Vanitas has found himself here, tucked away amongst the small houses and mellow fields surrounding Twilight Town. 

Ventus’s worry washes over Vanitas in waves, lapping at the shoreline of his mind. It’s easy enough to brush off if Vanitas is busy doing something else, like beating Seifer’s loser ass into next week. But for all his bluster and bluff, Seifer still has things like _school_ to attend.

Which leaves Vanitas brooding on the roof of a farmhouse by himself. A few chickens cluck in the pen on the other side of the property. It’s a shame that silence spells don’t work on chickens. Vanitas already tried. Multiple times.

At least the old cow below him isn’t mooing again. She wouldn’t shut up the last time he was here.  
Also brooding after a fight with Ventus. 

_Wherever you are,_

_I’ll find you._

Vanitas wrinkles his nose and scoffs. Ventus’s determination shines over their bond. He’s so dramatic. Sure, Vanitas disappeared in a giant whirl of Unversed that he left Ventus to fight off alone. He felt the sting of each one’s return and he still feels Ventus, so he knows for a fact that Ventus dispatched them all without dying. It’s strange to feel guilty over leaving Ventus to handle them on his own, but Vanitas swallows his guilt the same way he’s swallowed every single strange new emotion Ventus has ever forced to bloom within him. 

He looks out to the eternal sunset, forever hanging on the horizon. He gets why the boy who stole Ventus’s face and his fake princess friend like this place so much. There’s something peaceful about this place. Maybe that’s why Vanitas always ends up here after their fights.

A tremor goes through him the moment Ventus crosses the world’s barrier. His head snaps in Ventus’s direction - towards the town itself, because of course he’d disembark there. He never thinks to check the fields. It’ll take him forever to get here. 

Vanitas could leave. He could hop off to another world and Ventus would be none the wiser. After all, their bond is wrapped around Vanitas’s throat in this realm. Ventus is free to go wherever, do whatever.

Excitement pours into their bond, sparking Vanitas’s pulse to life. He tries to figure out why. Did Ventus just get a clue? Did someone tell him that they saw Vanitas here? 

That emotion bubbles under the surface again. For all Ventus can get mad back at Vanitas, dish out whatever Vanitas gives, he can’t hold onto a grudge to save his life. He’s too pure to.

he likes Vanitas too much not to forgive him

Vanitas shakes the thought away, unsure whose emotion inspired that. He scoffs and gets to his feet. With any hope, Ventus will figure it out eventually. He might get distracted by his _friends_ for a while, but he’ll make his way over here.

Maybe.

A flash of irritation pulses through the bond. Vanitas chuckles at the way it prickles over his skin. What could Ventus be irritated over? Stub his toe on something?

When the irritation fades, something else takes its place.

_I miss you._

 _Oh._

The next thing Vanitas knows, he’s back in Twilight Town, just a few feet away from Ventus. Vanitas lingers in the shadows, watching as Ventus talks or - or tries to fend off, he can’t quite tell - Ventus’s imposter and the black-haired puppet princess. Judging from their voices, the two are happy to see him, but Vanitas knows the frown Ventus sports well. It makes something awful twist in his chest. 

He steps out of the shadows. “Looking for someone, Ventus?”

A maelstrom of Ventus’s emotions batter Vanitas’s heart. Those same emotions play out on his face, twisting it in pain before soothing it out in sweet relief. Vanitas tries to keep himself righted against Ventus’s emotions, but they leak into him. He catches himself from mirroring Ventus’s expressions at the last second.

“I’m sorry guys, but I really gotta go. Vanitas and I need to talk,” Ventus explains in a rush. He leaves the two behind as he surges towards Vanitas and grips his hand. For all their bond cuts into Vanitas, Ventus’s touch is an instant balm. Vanitas lets himself be pulled along, temporarily drunk on the rush of being so close.

He lets Ventus lead him into an alley. Once Ventus glances around, confirming that they’re relatively alone, he pulls Vanitas forward for a kiss. 

It’s like Vanitas has never felt pain before. His torn heart is blissfully quiet. Their connection shines bright and true. He can feel all the worry and relief and anger pulsing through his other half, but all his negativity is buried under that other feeling.

Ventus pulls back just enough to rest their foreheads together. His eyes are light and clear, a perfect compliment to his small smile. Unable to resist the temptation, Vanitas leans forward to kiss him again. He earns a small chuckle for his efforts; his heart flutters in his chest at the sound.

Vanitas should be disgusted by this flagrant sentimentality. For all he enjoys pissing Ventus off, it’s only his affections that can push away any lingering negativity. That’s the only thing that makes this shitty bond worth it. 

“I missed you,” Ventus says.

“I know.” 

“You felt it, huh?”

“Yeah.” He felt a lot of things. The spark of fear and anger when he first left, setting off what must have been a wildfire in Ventus’s heart. He felt Ventus’s confusion after the dust settled and Vanitas was nowhere to be found. 

“You know I hate it when you run off like that. It’s not even the Unversed! I can deal with those. It’s that you left me to fight them all alone.” The more Ventus speaks, the more worked up he gets. He pulls away, leaving Vanitas aching for him to come back.

It’s why he hates being in the Realm of Light; every fiber in his body longs for Ventus. In the Realm of Darkness Ventus is stuck with that insistent pull, and Vanitas can actually breathe without being choked by another’s air.

But Vanitas is addicted to that touch. They both are. And maybe there’s something else there, too. Maybe he actually likes Ventus a little, when he says something funny or when he reminds Vanitas that not everything in the world is terrible.

“I’m a creature of darkness,” Vanitas responds. It’s his normal defense. Ventus hates it. “What else do you expect me to do?”

“Not be a jerk! I like you. You like me. I want to spend time with you, you big idiot. You can’t just show up, kiss me a little, then leave.”

For all the platitudes Ventus spouts, Vanitas doesn’t buy them. Sure, Ventus says that, but would he say the same thing if they weren’t connected? If Ventus had never been forced to share this connection in the first place, wouldn’t he have lived the rest of his life blissfully free of all the hardships and annoyances Vanitas brings him? 

“Stop making that face. You know I hate it, too.”

Vanitas makes that face more. 

Ventus rolls his eyes and lets out a massive sigh. He opens his arms. “Come here.”

Vanitas has half a mind not to keep being petty and refuse, if only because he’s already come so far that doing anything else feels like losing. “I really did miss you,” Ventus adds quietly. “And I do like you a lot. You’re funny. You keep me on my toes. You make me want to be stronger. And you can even be sweet, even if it’s just because you want me to be sweet back to you.”

Ventus has him pinned. 

“And we’re a couple, aren’t we? So get over here already.”

For as stubborn as Vanitas can be, Ventus is even more stubborn. He gives in, stepping close enough for Ventus to wrap him up in a crushing hug. Ventus kisses his forehead. It isn’t his lips, but it still sends a cooling wave of emotion through Vanitas. He wiggles in Ventus’s grip, trying to get closer.

Ventus chuckles. “Feels nice, right? It always feels really nice to me when we’re in the Realm of Darkness.”

They’re the same, two sides of a slightly warped mirror. 

“I’d like you even if it didn’t feel nice,” Ventus says. Vanitas buries his face into the junction between Ventus’s neck and shoulder in lieu of a response. “So stop pulling these stunts, okay?”

“...Sorry,” Vanitas finally says.

He feels Ventus’s chuckle more than he hears it. “Sorry for what?”

So silly.

Vanitas can’t even remember what made him so upset in the first place. Some conversation about what they should do that afternoon, maybe? The specifics have been lost in the haze of emotion that bled out of him with every Unversed.

What Vanitas does remember is the immediate aftermath. Guilt pricks at him. He grits his teeth. “Sorry for leaving you to find a room full of Unversed alone.”

Arms tighten around Vanitas’s middle. “And?”

“And for running off.”

“Aaaaaand?”

“For disappearing for two days.”

Ventus pulls back. Vanitas frowns, missing his warmth, but he feels Ventus’s fondness wash over him as he leans in for another kiss. Vanitas is eager to reciprocate, chasing after his lips with a small grunt as Ventus tries to pull away. 

“You’re forgiven,” Ventus says when they finally do part. “Just… don’t do it again. It’s getting old.”

“No promises.”

Ventus snickers. “I’ll take it.”

They spend the rest of the afternoon wandering through the countryside surrounding Twilight Town hand-in-hand. They pass by two of Roxas’s human friends - the girl with long brown hair, but it’s not like Vanitas cares enough to learn her name and the annoying blonde boy that Seifer hates - walking home together. Ventus tries to say hi, but Vanitas drags him up a water tower until the two are nothing but specks on the horizon. Ventus’s protests are drowned out by his own laughter. 

And when they sneak back into Twilight Town minutes before the Bistro closes to take up Scrooge on a decade-old friendship to get a free meal, Vanitas realizes something. It doesn’t come in Ventus’s insistence to pay when Scrooge only gives them a five percent discount. It’s not found anywhere in the food, or the fancy soda, or even in the gentle chirp of the crickets all around them as the town winds down.

Vanitas spots it in the easy banter they trade back and forth. In Ventus’s sunny grin. In the way Ventus’s fingers find Vanitas’s over the table, because even if he isn’t the one strangled by their connection in this realm, he knows that it makes Vanitas’s tumultuous emotions go blissfully quiet. 

This used to feel like an insult. 

Now, it’s the closest thing to home Vanitas has ever known.

This love.

_Like coming back to a warm fire after a cold day,_  


_That’s you for me._

__


End file.
